Estoy en España, otra vez.
Well, so far, things are pretty good. I met my friend Andrea and her boyfriend at the airport with no problem, and José was waiting for me when I got to my apartment. So far, so good. My roommates this time seem pretty cool. I live with a Spanish girl named Paula, and two Spanish guys named Ignasí and Nacho (yes, his name is Nacho). They all work for Vodafone, the cell phone company, so they´re not home that often. Then I live with an American guy from Altanta named David, and he seems pretty cool too. Friendly and helpful and funny. He´s a teacher too, he´s been here for a few months already. Then I live with a French lesbian named Helena, who also seems cool. I had my suspicions about her gayness, so when she told me she liked the ladies, it was no surprise. She was very specific too, that she liked women, not girls. I should say..her last girlfriend was 42, and Helena´s 21. Yowsa! Well, to each their own. She has a group of little French girls that she runs around with, and they all seem pretty cool.
But it´s good, we all speak in Spanish all the time, which is great for me. David, Helena, and I are all learning. Everybody seems to get along pretty well. The apartment itself is kind of a shithole, but whatever. I really don´t care that much. What is more important is the people, and these people seem cool. Especially compared to last year. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how bad my situation was last year. Simon sucked. He was such a fuck head. And Andi the stinky German was just his lacky. Ugh. Anyway, it doesn´t matter now. But that whole situation was just so bad...it really hurt a lot. The other day I was talking to José my landlord and he was like, ¨So...there were problems last year with you not cleaning your dishes and not cleaning up your things...there is not going to be more problems like that this year, no?¨ And I was just like...fuck you José. Internally of course. That was SO not what the problem really was about, but that´s what my evil roommates told my landlord. So now my landlord thinks I´m a slob. Which is SO not the case. Anyway, it just hurt my feelings. But I don´t think I´m going to have any problems con mis compañeros de piso this year, thank goodness.
I´ve also seen a few of my old friends again. Andrea a few times, and Feli her Spanish boyfriend too. I´m actually doing a lot better with my Spanish than I thought I would. I remember a lot, and I´m also learning really fast. I start Spanish classes tomorrow, so we´ll see how that goes. I also saw my homie Mark on Friday, and his Spanish girlfriend Ana. I love those guys. We´re probably goign to take a weekend trip to Salamanca one of these days pretty soon. Silvia and I are going to hang out sometime this week I hope, as well as Gonzalo and me. Ah, Gonzalo, mi amor. I wonder how he´s doing. He broke his leg last March, and we never had a proper goodbye. His leg still isn´t totally at 100 percent, so he told me, but soon. I am looking forward to seeing him.
All of this stuff has gotten me thinking though, about luck and chance and things like that. Last year I had no forknowledge of who my roommates were going to be and they turned out to suck. This year I also had no forknowledge either, but they seem pretty cool. What does that mean? So much has to do with luck in our lives, and I really don´t like it. Luck is the same thing as fate you could say...one has a more positive spin than the other one I guess, but they really are the same thing. Fate just implies that our luck is controlled by a higher power.
In a sense we really are controlled by luck. We´re controlled by it because we have no control of it. We make choices that have many possible outcomes but we don´t know what outcome will come to pass until we make a choice, and then it is too late to change it. We make our decisions based on possible outcomes, but what outcome eventually wins out could be totally unexpected.
So in other words, I don´t feel very in control. Or, I do, but at the same time I don´t. Are some people more in control than others? I don´t know. Is control even a good thing, or an important thing to have? Maybe you have to let go of it in order to take risks. Evoluntionarily we strive for control, but perhaps we can´t evolve unless we let it go.
What is a risk anyway? A choice we make where we don´t know the outcome? Well, we never know the outcome, really. Not even after we have made the choice. Because everything that comes to pass after a decision we have made incorporates that decision. Is a risk a choice we make where some of the possible outcomes are good, but there are others equally possible that are bad? Are risk takers adventurous people who live interesting, exciting lives, or are they just foolhardy?
So this year I have been pretty lucky (so far) with my roommates. With work, I don´t know...I´m still looking. I´m here a little bit late; a lot of classes are starting this week so a lot of schools have already hired teachers. I´m sure I´ll find something soon but..I don´t know, I´m worried about it. Our decisions and are lives are so controlled by the almighty buck. I hate it! But I´m in it too, just as much as the next person.
A chance is kind of like an opportunity. All these words have a positive connotation but the outcome could just as easily be bad, don´t you think? We make all these really important decisions without knowing anything about it -- and then we face the consequences for better or for worse. Maybe it´s a blessing that we never have the ability to see what would have happened if we had made a different choice..how much better it could have been, or worse it could have been. I prefer not to know, since there´s nothing we can do to change it.
Besides, what is a mistake? We make mistakes all the time that we wish we could change, but who knows what eventual good that ¨mistake¨ might have led to?
I think people hate the fact that they have no control and that is why they search for a god. The word ¨fate¨ implies an almighty being and the word ¨chance¨ does not, but they really represent the same concept. Me, I just need to come to grips with the fact that there is no god, that there is no one up there leading me in the right direction for my life, and that I´m doing it all myself. And I´m going to make mistakes, and that´s okay. Besides, if you don´t take a chance, you have no chance at all, isn´t that true?
Anyhoo, so these are the things I´ve been thinking about lately. Deep shit, I know. I´m so profound, ha. I have been in a weird mood lately. I mean, yesterday I was watching Major Payne dupped in Spanish and it made me tear up. A Wayans Brothers movie, for goodness sake. There has GOT to be something wrong with me. Heh.
I think the way I feel right now can best be summed up with a few lines from the classic musical, Paint Your Wagon: ¨Where am I going? I don´t know. When will I get there? I ain´t certain. All that I know is I am on my way...¨
Well, so far, things are pretty good. I met my friend Andrea and her boyfriend at the airport with no problem, and José was waiting for me when I got to my apartment. So far, so good. My roommates this time seem pretty cool. I live with a Spanish girl named Paula, and two Spanish guys named Ignasí and Nacho (yes, his name is Nacho). They all work for Vodafone, the cell phone company, so they´re not home that often. Then I live with an American guy from Altanta named David, and he seems pretty cool too. Friendly and helpful and funny. He´s a teacher too, he´s been here for a few months already. Then I live with a French lesbian named Helena, who also seems cool. I had my suspicions about her gayness, so when she told me she liked the ladies, it was no surprise. She was very specific too, that she liked women, not girls. I should say..her last girlfriend was 42, and Helena´s 21. Yowsa! Well, to each their own. She has a group of little French girls that she runs around with, and they all seem pretty cool.
But it´s good, we all speak in Spanish all the time, which is great for me. David, Helena, and I are all learning. Everybody seems to get along pretty well. The apartment itself is kind of a shithole, but whatever. I really don´t care that much. What is more important is the people, and these people seem cool. Especially compared to last year. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how bad my situation was last year. Simon sucked. He was such a fuck head. And Andi the stinky German was just his lacky. Ugh. Anyway, it doesn´t matter now. But that whole situation was just so bad...it really hurt a lot. The other day I was talking to José my landlord and he was like, ¨So...there were problems last year with you not cleaning your dishes and not cleaning up your things...there is not going to be more problems like that this year, no?¨ And I was just like...fuck you José. Internally of course. That was SO not what the problem really was about, but that´s what my evil roommates told my landlord. So now my landlord thinks I´m a slob. Which is SO not the case. Anyway, it just hurt my feelings. But I don´t think I´m going to have any problems con mis compañeros de piso this year, thank goodness.
I´ve also seen a few of my old friends again. Andrea a few times, and Feli her Spanish boyfriend too. I´m actually doing a lot better with my Spanish than I thought I would. I remember a lot, and I´m also learning really fast. I start Spanish classes tomorrow, so we´ll see how that goes. I also saw my homie Mark on Friday, and his Spanish girlfriend Ana. I love those guys. We´re probably goign to take a weekend trip to Salamanca one of these days pretty soon. Silvia and I are going to hang out sometime this week I hope, as well as Gonzalo and me. Ah, Gonzalo, mi amor. I wonder how he´s doing. He broke his leg last March, and we never had a proper goodbye. His leg still isn´t totally at 100 percent, so he told me, but soon. I am looking forward to seeing him.
All of this stuff has gotten me thinking though, about luck and chance and things like that. Last year I had no forknowledge of who my roommates were going to be and they turned out to suck. This year I also had no forknowledge either, but they seem pretty cool. What does that mean? So much has to do with luck in our lives, and I really don´t like it. Luck is the same thing as fate you could say...one has a more positive spin than the other one I guess, but they really are the same thing. Fate just implies that our luck is controlled by a higher power.
In a sense we really are controlled by luck. We´re controlled by it because we have no control of it. We make choices that have many possible outcomes but we don´t know what outcome will come to pass until we make a choice, and then it is too late to change it. We make our decisions based on possible outcomes, but what outcome eventually wins out could be totally unexpected.
So in other words, I don´t feel very in control. Or, I do, but at the same time I don´t. Are some people more in control than others? I don´t know. Is control even a good thing, or an important thing to have? Maybe you have to let go of it in order to take risks. Evoluntionarily we strive for control, but perhaps we can´t evolve unless we let it go.
What is a risk anyway? A choice we make where we don´t know the outcome? Well, we never know the outcome, really. Not even after we have made the choice. Because everything that comes to pass after a decision we have made incorporates that decision. Is a risk a choice we make where some of the possible outcomes are good, but there are others equally possible that are bad? Are risk takers adventurous people who live interesting, exciting lives, or are they just foolhardy?
So this year I have been pretty lucky (so far) with my roommates. With work, I don´t know...I´m still looking. I´m here a little bit late; a lot of classes are starting this week so a lot of schools have already hired teachers. I´m sure I´ll find something soon but..I don´t know, I´m worried about it. Our decisions and are lives are so controlled by the almighty buck. I hate it! But I´m in it too, just as much as the next person.
A chance is kind of like an opportunity. All these words have a positive connotation but the outcome could just as easily be bad, don´t you think? We make all these really important decisions without knowing anything about it -- and then we face the consequences for better or for worse. Maybe it´s a blessing that we never have the ability to see what would have happened if we had made a different choice..how much better it could have been, or worse it could have been. I prefer not to know, since there´s nothing we can do to change it.
Besides, what is a mistake? We make mistakes all the time that we wish we could change, but who knows what eventual good that ¨mistake¨ might have led to?
I think people hate the fact that they have no control and that is why they search for a god. The word ¨fate¨ implies an almighty being and the word ¨chance¨ does not, but they really represent the same concept. Me, I just need to come to grips with the fact that there is no god, that there is no one up there leading me in the right direction for my life, and that I´m doing it all myself. And I´m going to make mistakes, and that´s okay. Besides, if you don´t take a chance, you have no chance at all, isn´t that true?
Anyhoo, so these are the things I´ve been thinking about lately. Deep shit, I know. I´m so profound, ha. I have been in a weird mood lately. I mean, yesterday I was watching Major Payne dupped in Spanish and it made me tear up. A Wayans Brothers movie, for goodness sake. There has GOT to be something wrong with me. Heh.
I think the way I feel right now can best be summed up with a few lines from the classic musical, Paint Your Wagon: ¨Where am I going? I don´t know. When will I get there? I ain´t certain. All that I know is I am on my way...¨
posted by Chloe at 5:48 AM
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