Man, Bethany, I have really not been having so hot a time lately. This stupid boy thing is bothering me way, way more than it should. I think..part of it is that I liked him and he doesn´t want to be with me (btw, I recently found out he´s already moved on and found a different girl), but part of it is just like..I am so freaking lonely I can´t even express it to you. Part of this is situational, being here in Spain, but the majority of it really I don´t think has anything to do with that, and is only a fact of where I am in my life right now. And having somebody, even for such a short period of time..it felt so freaking good. And now, I don´t have it again and I´m just..depressed. And fed up with working and all that bullshit too. It´s bad, people can see it on my face. A bunch of my friends have been like, what´s wrong with you? You seem tired, you seem uspet. I mean, that´s bad, Bethany, if you can see it on my face. Besides, it definitely won´t help me find anybody new if I´m walking around looking like death. But what can I do? Contort my muscles into a happy face? I´m here for two more months and I just like, I just want to go. I want to go right now. I am fed up. I need a change. I wish you were here to talk to about this. My friend Kristen has been a life-saver these past two months, at least I have her, but I would like to talk to you too. ´

I don´t know. Like, yesterday I made dinner for my friends and it was fun. A whole bunch of people came over, there were like 15 people jammed into our tiny-tiny-ass apartment. A saw a few friends that I really hadn´t seen in a long time, too, and it was fun. And I had fun, but..probably not as much fun as I should have. It´s like this terrible feeling I just can´t shake off. It´s like this weight on my back, this depressed feeling I have. And even if I´m doing something fun, it´s still there. I don´t know...these days, I´ve been thinking maybe I will move to California this year after all. I REALLY feel the urge to get back in school, I think about it all the time. And it´s like, if that´s what my heart is telling me to do, I should probably do it.