> > Therefore, the> > day the shit hit the fan in the matter of this relationship, I went over> > to my> > friend Kristen╢s house, who has been recently having similar problems to> > mine with a certain fellow of the Irish persuasion.>where is kristen from?

Kristen is from Pennsylvania. She´s a rad chick and we like to over-analyze together. It´s good fun.

> > So that╢s basically along the lines of what our thinking was. We are> > going> > to make a t-shirt out of one of them, still not sure which.>as an esl teacher, english lit major, and all around bitch, i want to make>a tshirt that says: "GRAMMAR MATTERS.">heh

Dude, that´s awesome. That is even BETTER. Kristen and I have made a shirt now. It says, ¨YO,¨ then a picture of a little heart, ¨EMPOLLONES,¨ which means nerd in Spanish. Heheh. You have no idea how cool it is. It´s so cool though, I can only wear it in the US where no one will understand it, because well, here, let´s just say it´s not really their type of humor. The whole ¨I lover nerds¨ bumper sticker fad never caught on.

> > ... So now I╢m not> > sure what I╢m going to do. I have enough money to survive, but not much> > more, and besides that, now I have all this stupid free time... I╢ve put> > up some advertisements so hopefully I╢ll get some more soon. We shall> > see I guess.>but you're staying in spain?>for sure?>do you feel its like your home now?

Actually, no. I have not been having so hot a time lately. I´ve gotten the work bullshit worked out, so that´s okay, but this boy thing is bothering me way more than it should. But hey, get this. GET THIS. So. Last week, out of the freaking clear blue sky, after not talking to him for a month, and after already coughing up this experience as a wash, he calls me. I don´t know WHAT he wants, except that he wants ¨to talk.¨ Hay cosas de que hablar, he says. O-kay. So I go and meet him, not knowing if he wants to start dating me again, if he wants to apologize, whatever. So we go to a cafe thing to grab a bite, chit chat, chit chat, bla bla bla. Catching up. Then, he says, the reason that he wanted to meet me was to inform me that he has met another girl that he liked, well, that he likes, and that likes him, and they´re dating now. Um, what? What exactly was the reason that I needed to know this?? I already KNEW the relationship was over so like, all this did was let me know that he´s moved on, he has someone new to cuddle with, and I have nobody. As per usual.

So..he tells me this and I´m like..uuuuh. Not really knowing what to say. These things are hard to talk about in English, let alone in Spanish, and I just basically didn´t know what to SAY. So he´s like, what are you thinking, you´re sitting here not talking and I don´t know what do think, bla bla. And I say, well, it really doesn´t matter what I think, because this is the way it is. I mean, what can I do? What exactly did he want me to say, ¨WAY TO GO!¨? So of course then he´s like, well, you know, I think you´re really cool and we get along well, we can still be friends, bla bla bla gag me. And I say, well, I don´t know if I want to be your friend. I think you want me to say I will be your friend because you don´t want to feel bad about what you have done. And he says, but I don´t feel bad. OUCH. I mean, ouch!!

Ugh. Why the fuck did he have to meet me to tell me this? I was doing way better beFORE hand. Now I have to start the grieving process all over again, only this time with the knowledge that he´s fucking someone else. What the hell was the point?? I can ONLY imagine that he THOUGHT he was doing the right thing, but the RIGHT thing would have been to tell me A MONTH AGO, not now. He had ALREADY done the WRONG thing, by not talking to me, so he can´t like, retroactively fix that. Besides, there is not real reason on God´s green earth that I needed to know he found someone else. I really could have done without that information, thank you.

This stupid boy thing is bothering me way, way more than it should. I think..part of it is that I liked him and he doesn´t want to be with me, but part of it is just like..I am so freaking lonely I can´t even express it to you. Part of this is situational, being here in Spain, but the majority of it really I don´t think has anything to do with that, and is only a fact of where I am in my life right now. And having somebody, even for such a short period of time..it felt so freaking good. And now, I don´t have it again and I´m just..depressed. And fed up with working and all that bullshit too. It´s bad, people can see it on my face. A bunch of my friends have been like, what´s wrong with you? You seem tired, you seem uspet. I mean, that´s bad, Tonya, if you can see it on my face. Besides, it definitely won´t help me find anybody new if I´m walking around looking like death. But what can I do? Contort my muscles into a happy face?

I don´t know. Like, yesterday I made dinner for my friends and it was fun. A whole bunch of people came over, there were like 15 people jammed into our tiny-tiny-ass apartment. A saw a few friends that I really hadn´t seen in a long time, too, and it was fun. And I had fun, but..probably not as much fun as I should have. It´s like this terrible feeling I just can´t shake off. It´s like this weight on my back, this depressed feeling I have. And even if I´m doing something fun, it´s still there.

But I´m only here for two more months. After that, I´m going back to Alaska for the summer. I´m really looking forward to it. A bunch of my friends from last year are coming back, and Bethany from WU is going to be working there too, which will be awesome. Right now, I´m just so fed up with Madrid, fed up with life here...working, all that bullshit, and now this boy problem. And it´s been freaking freezing lately. I just want to GO, like, right now. After the summer, here comes the question of what I´m going to do NEXT. The two most likely options are, come back to Madrid for another year, or move to California in the hopes of applying to graduate school down there. Right now, this seems like the more likely option. I need to wait a few months though, be in Alaska for a while, get some distance on my life here in Spain, in order to make the right decision.

>sorry to hear about your loss... i wish i could say i really believed all>the feminist stuff. i have to get more into it, i suppose. but i really>WANT a solid relationship. family, kids, you know... is that "weak"? and>"womanly"? i dont give a fuck if it is.>even though you're going through a rough phase (or getting over a rough>phase), you're still an inspiration to me.

Dude, I know what you mean. I am just so fucking fed up with this whole freaking game of dating and boys. I just want to QUIT it, never play again. I want to NOT CARE, to NOT WANT affection and love and cariño, but I can´t help it! I just do! And I´m a VERY independent woman, too. And so are you. And even WE want it still. Ugh! Goddamn evolution! Giving us this driving desire for companionship. It´s great when it´s being fullfilled, but when it´s not, it sucks!

So I know exactly what you mean about the wanting a solid relationship. I haven´t had what I would call a boyfriend for about three years, and even then it wasn´t very serious. I´ve ¨dated¨ a few people since then but nobody very seriously, and not as often as I´d like, so I just feel like this fat, ugly, disgusting unlovable creature that no one will ever want, which OF COURSE I know is not true, at least my head does, but it doesn´t MATTER because my heart doesn´t believe it. But of course, it´s a vicious circle, because after all what you define as real is real in its consequences, so if I THINK I´m ugly and unlovable, I will ACT that way, and no one will love me. Grr. Like I said about people being able to see it on my face. That is BAD, Tonya. How can I stop it from showing through?

I think I have some of the similar problems as you do. I trust too easily too, and I fall in love too easily and too fast. I just feel like I have all this affection that I want to give, and I´m looking, looking, looking for a receptacle to put it in. And until I do, I cannot rest.

I, too, feel that watching Sex and the City is a great inspiration to us all. These days, after the bullshit with this stupid boy, I have been especially inspired by the post-it episode, where Burger breaks up with Ceri on a post-it. Because, goddamn it, THERE IS a good way to break up with someone, which is telling them straight out, to their face, that you are a chicken-shit little weakling who is governed by his penis (or whatever particular problem you may have), and that sorry, you´re too fucked up to be in a relationship. But no, boys are too scared of us. They are like, scared we are going to freak out or something. But the thing that makes us FREAK OUT is not knowing what the fuck is going on! A seed of doubt, no matter how small, can drive us OUT OF OUR MINDS!! And no, you can´t go back, one month later, and THEN explain what is going on, and think that´s good enough. One month is past the statute of limitations, my friend.