I leave Spain two weeks from today, after which point I will be in the greater Seattle area for approximately a week and half, after which point I will be flying back up to Alaska. Once again, I will be on a collision course with destiny! Which is good, because I´ve been in one place really for entirely too long.
This year, in almost every sense, has been better than last year. I´ve had better roommates, I´ve gotten paid better, I´ve had better classes, and I speak Spanish better. Everything has been an improvement. I can say this, looking back on the year objectively, although at certain points along the way it certainly didn´t seem that way. I always understand my life better at a distance -- after writing it down, or after looking back on something that happened in the past from a different point of reference. While I´m in it, I might only see the bad side, but then afterwards, I can look back on it with humor and pull out the lesson from it. Or at least, that´s what I try to do. Besides, I seem to usually only remember good things, or at least, disproportionately so.
The winter was just so hard on me this year. The weather was so cold, my apartment was so dreary. I had major problems with work right about the same time that I the thing ended with The Mexican. This boy problem really has bothered me more than I feel it should have. It was probably just a combination of factors that lead it to get to me so badly... At any rate, January, February...in retrospect I feel like I was sleep walking for about a month and a half. I did basically nothing memorable or important. I don´t even know if I laughed. And for those of you that know me at all, you can imagine what a change that would be.
The thing that bothers me about the world is that so much of what happens to us is based on luck. Sure, we can control our fate to a certain extent, to a large extent, but so much is still left up to chance, no matter what we do. Especially in the small, day to day things, which at the moment seem insignificant (Do I go out tonight? Do I go to this bar, or that bar? Which hostel do I stay at?), but can actually turn out to change your entire path of destiny. I made the active decision to come to Spain, but what happened to me after that I only had a fraction of the control over, and most decisions that I made, I made blind.
And this bothers me, not having control over whom I meet and when. Over what happens to me and how. But what can I do about it? It´s just the way the world works. I don´t like this feeling of helplessnes, of dependence on the decisions of others, or lack of decision of others. Probably a lot of it has to do with my floating around from place to place all the time. I´m always starting over, building a friend-base from the bottom up. If you stay in one place for a longer time, you have more control. You make more educated decisions which will hopefully lead you in a direction you want to go. You spread your sphere of influence. Or at least it seems so to me.
I feel like I have learned what I can from Spain, the language, the culture, the people. And I am proud of my accomplishments, especially with Spanish. I´ve also learned a lot about the English language and being a teacher along the way. I´m sure that I´ve also learned a multitude of things about myself, as well as American culture and society, though it´s hard for me to tell now because what I have garnered has become so integrated into my everyday knowledge and thought that it no longer seems new to me. Maybe it´ll become more clear once I´m back in the US.
Not only all that, but it´s been fun. I´ve met a lot of interesting folks and had some funny adventures. Things that seem terribly blase to me no doubt could sound impressive to others. I probably don´t give myself enough credit for how cool I am. ;) Or maybe I give myself too much...
I suppose I haven´t written anything in a while because I haven´t done anything too outstanding lately. I´ve developed a pretty standard routine. It seems that every time I do this it means it´s time for me to get up and leave, so I guess this should be my sign that I have to move on. So it´s a good thing I am.
This year, in almost every sense, has been better than last year. I´ve had better roommates, I´ve gotten paid better, I´ve had better classes, and I speak Spanish better. Everything has been an improvement. I can say this, looking back on the year objectively, although at certain points along the way it certainly didn´t seem that way. I always understand my life better at a distance -- after writing it down, or after looking back on something that happened in the past from a different point of reference. While I´m in it, I might only see the bad side, but then afterwards, I can look back on it with humor and pull out the lesson from it. Or at least, that´s what I try to do. Besides, I seem to usually only remember good things, or at least, disproportionately so.
The winter was just so hard on me this year. The weather was so cold, my apartment was so dreary. I had major problems with work right about the same time that I the thing ended with The Mexican. This boy problem really has bothered me more than I feel it should have. It was probably just a combination of factors that lead it to get to me so badly... At any rate, January, February...in retrospect I feel like I was sleep walking for about a month and a half. I did basically nothing memorable or important. I don´t even know if I laughed. And for those of you that know me at all, you can imagine what a change that would be.
The thing that bothers me about the world is that so much of what happens to us is based on luck. Sure, we can control our fate to a certain extent, to a large extent, but so much is still left up to chance, no matter what we do. Especially in the small, day to day things, which at the moment seem insignificant (Do I go out tonight? Do I go to this bar, or that bar? Which hostel do I stay at?), but can actually turn out to change your entire path of destiny. I made the active decision to come to Spain, but what happened to me after that I only had a fraction of the control over, and most decisions that I made, I made blind.
And this bothers me, not having control over whom I meet and when. Over what happens to me and how. But what can I do about it? It´s just the way the world works. I don´t like this feeling of helplessnes, of dependence on the decisions of others, or lack of decision of others. Probably a lot of it has to do with my floating around from place to place all the time. I´m always starting over, building a friend-base from the bottom up. If you stay in one place for a longer time, you have more control. You make more educated decisions which will hopefully lead you in a direction you want to go. You spread your sphere of influence. Or at least it seems so to me.
I feel like I have learned what I can from Spain, the language, the culture, the people. And I am proud of my accomplishments, especially with Spanish. I´ve also learned a lot about the English language and being a teacher along the way. I´m sure that I´ve also learned a multitude of things about myself, as well as American culture and society, though it´s hard for me to tell now because what I have garnered has become so integrated into my everyday knowledge and thought that it no longer seems new to me. Maybe it´ll become more clear once I´m back in the US.
Not only all that, but it´s been fun. I´ve met a lot of interesting folks and had some funny adventures. Things that seem terribly blase to me no doubt could sound impressive to others. I probably don´t give myself enough credit for how cool I am. ;) Or maybe I give myself too much...
I suppose I haven´t written anything in a while because I haven´t done anything too outstanding lately. I´ve developed a pretty standard routine. It seems that every time I do this it means it´s time for me to get up and leave, so I guess this should be my sign that I have to move on. So it´s a good thing I am.
posted by Chloe at 9:11 AM
0 comments
