First of all, let me give you an update on the roommate situation. I´ve been here for a little while now so I´ve had a chance to feel them all out. David is the other American who lives with me. He´s from Atlanta, and he´s super cool. Kind of a dork, but a dork in that way that I oh so like and admire. I think he and I have a very similar dumb sense of humor, as we laugh at the same stupid things. In a lot of ways we are two peas in a pod. Although I greatly appreciate that due to the fact that most of my roommates are Spanish speaking so I am forced to speak Spanish all the time, I am also greatful that David is there, so that we can discuss things and I can whip out phrases like, ¨don´t bogart the cigarrette¨ or ¨you´re so money and you don´t even know it¨ and someone will know what I´m talking about. He even knows who Dave Sedaris is. Dave Sedaris is this author who has written all these really funny short stories, and this summer Mel and I along with some others listened to his books on tape a bunch of times. So when I say, ¨When life gets me down, I just say, ´fuck it!´ and eat myself some mother fuckin´ candy!¨ David knows what I´m referring to. David and I also have similar taste in Indie rock music, and I desperately need a copy of his Deltron 3030 album. Yesterday David and I made a ¨Cena Americana¨ for all the roommates. It was pretty fun. We made cheeseburgers, potato salad, and chocolate chip cookies. It was the most American food we could think of. It all went over pretty well, too. We´ll probably do it again sometime.

Nacho (yes, his name is Nacho) is one of the Spanish guys I live with. He too is cool. He is from Sevilla, which means that when he speaks Spanish he never says the ends of his words, and he speaks very, very fast. For example, instead of saying ¨buenos dias,¨ he says, ¨buenodia.¨ Or instead of saying ¨mas o menus,¨ he says, ¨mahomeho.¨ Needless to say, this can be quite confusing for a Spanish novice such as myself. Some days I think I´m learning to understand him pretty well, and then other days, not so much. But it´s getting better. He and David both have a fecal-centered sense of humor. Thanks to them, I am learning all sorts of Spanish vocabulary related to bodily functions and sexual intercourse. I could tell you at least three pseudonyms for taking a dump right now.

Ignasi is the other Spanish guy. He´s from Barcelona and he´s Catalan. Catalans speak a language which is kind of a mixture of Spanish and French, but he also speaks Spanish perfectly too. And he´s a lot easier to understand than Nacho. He always makes fun of me for being American. When some people do this, it´s really not funny at all, but somehow Ignasi gets away with it. Whenever he teases me about this or that, that I don´t know good olive oil because I´m American, or that I don´t hold my fork and knife correctly, I just point out that he´s Catalan so what does he know anyway. It works rather well.

Helena is the French lesbian. She´s pretty cool too. She always runs around with this group of French girls who live in the building, and they`re all pretty cool. Whenever I´m with them they try to speak Spanish, but inevitably it slips back into French at some point. But it´s still fun.
Paula is the Spanish girl I live with. She´s alright. She mostly sticks to herself, so I really don´t know her very well. I´m pretty much neutral about her. Not someone I would really go out of my way to hang out with if I didn´t live with her, but not a bad roommate either.

So the roommate situation is pretty cool. The apartment itself is a real shithole, but whatever. It´s in a good location because we can walk to Malasaña, Chueca, or Sol, which are three of the best places for night life. The one kind of lame thing about the roommates is that these days I usually get home around 7 or 8, and nobody else gets home until like 10. So I´m there alone for a few hours, which is kind of boring and depressing. However, I think this is going to be getting a bit better, and I´m starting to become more and more busy.

I´m teaching enough to survive now basically, but I still could be teaching more. I have the time, so why not? I´m making more money this year with less work, since the academy I work for pays me better than the one last year, and so do my private classes. I hate my class with the two six year olds. They are hyper, hyper, hyper. Often times I can´t even get them to sit in their chairs the whole time..they´re always up and around all over the place. Last week everything went to pot when Juan farted during class. But whatever. It´s only two hours of my life a week.

I´ve also started teaching my friend Silvia´s Argentine boyfriend. I finally got together with them last weekend. Silvia started out speaking English with me because that´s what we had always done in the past, but her boyfriend really can´t speak very well, so, I was like, ¨Bueno..podemos hablar en español si queráis...¨ And she was like, what?! Where did THAT come from..because she didn´t know I could speak Spanish. It was pretty funny; she was totally shocked. And her boyfriend wants to learn how to speak, so we´ve started having classes.

In some ways, I feel like things are really coming together this year. Everything seems so much easier. Teaching is easier because I´m more organized and I have more of an idea about what to do. Spanish is a lot easier because I already have a certain level, which makes everything, from watching TV to going to the grocery store, a lot more fun. And I already somewhat know my way around the city and how things work here. But still, it´s not easy. A lot of my good friends from last year aren´t here anymore. The only new friends I´ve made are the roommates. I really want to meet more people, but it´s not that easy for me. I don´t have a really good outlet for making friends. You can always talk to people in bars and stuff, but it´s always so freaking loud and so freaking crowded, I can barely hear anything, let alone anything in Spanish.

The whole Spanish thing is really coming along though. My class is going well. Now all I need is a Spanish boyfriend. Speaking of, I finally saw Gonzalo last week. We hung out for just a few hours, had a cup of coffee and stuff. It was good. Everything was basically exactly the same as it was before..whatever that means. Because I didn´t ever know what that meant before. Ugh. I just need to bite the bullet and tell him I have the hots for him. But I must wait for the perfect opportunity (i.e. when I´m totally drunk) when I can say something without being too nervous and fucking it up. Besides, if I´m drunk, I can always use the classic excuse, ¨I was druuuunk!!¨ The problem is that he is really, really really busy all the time. He works full time, he´s taking a post graduate class on Fridays and Saturdays, and right now he´s looking for an apartment to move into with a friend of his because he´s (finally!) moving out of his parents´ house. So..yea. When I did see him last week, I think he had to just like, barely squeeze our rendezvous in between ten other things that he had to do. So getting together with him is easier said that done. I think when I saw him that he said he planned to be moved out by the end of the month (that being the end of October) and when he was done he would call me. However, he was saying all this in fast Spanish, which is why I say I THINK that´s what he said. So..I´m kind of biding my time, trying to ¨play it cool.¨ Which of course, I´ve like, never been able to do in my life.

I saw Gonzalo my love last week. He was my student who I had a mad crush on all last year. He´s the same old silly Gonzalo as always, completamente precioso. A, cariño mio... Anyhoo. So yea, I hadn´t seen him in like, six months, because at the end last year when I was leaving, he broke his knee really badly, and so we never finished having classes. So we never said goodbye or anything, and I never had a chance to express my undying passion and devotion either. So we went out para tomar un café last week, and it was good. Everything exactly the same. But yea..I have no idea what this guy thinks of me at all. I mean, he likes me obviously, I´m his friend. But I don´t know if he wants...*more*. At least though, this year, I don´t have any huge barrier keeping me from telling him my feelings, since he´s not my student anymore I don´t have anything to lose. But I´m biding my time...I must wait for the perfect opportunity. In other words, I must wait until we are both completely hammered and therefore I have an excuse if he freaks out or laughs at me. I was drunk!!! I will say. But..the thing is he´s so freaking BUSY all the time. He works full time, he´s taking a post-graduate class on Fridays and Saturdays, and, currently he is looking for an apartment with a friend of his so he can (finally!) move out.
So anyhoo, I´m really not thinking about this at all....
Ugh. Yea. I´m so bad at this game. I need coaching. I don´t understand American boys, let alone Spanish boys. Not that you can really generalize anyway. Gonzalo is one of those guys who has a whole bunch of friends, both guys and girls. But I don´t know how many really good friends he has.

Estoy en España, otra vez.

Well, so far, things are pretty good. I met my friend Andrea and her boyfriend at the airport with no problem, and José was waiting for me when I got to my apartment. So far, so good. My roommates this time seem pretty cool. I live with a Spanish girl named Paula, and two Spanish guys named Ignasí and Nacho (yes, his name is Nacho). They all work for Vodafone, the cell phone company, so they´re not home that often. Then I live with an American guy from Altanta named David, and he seems pretty cool too. Friendly and helpful and funny. He´s a teacher too, he´s been here for a few months already. Then I live with a French lesbian named Helena, who also seems cool. I had my suspicions about her gayness, so when she told me she liked the ladies, it was no surprise. She was very specific too, that she liked women, not girls. I should say..her last girlfriend was 42, and Helena´s 21. Yowsa! Well, to each their own. She has a group of little French girls that she runs around with, and they all seem pretty cool.

But it´s good, we all speak in Spanish all the time, which is great for me. David, Helena, and I are all learning. Everybody seems to get along pretty well. The apartment itself is kind of a shithole, but whatever. I really don´t care that much. What is more important is the people, and these people seem cool. Especially compared to last year. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how bad my situation was last year. Simon sucked. He was such a fuck head. And Andi the stinky German was just his lacky. Ugh. Anyway, it doesn´t matter now. But that whole situation was just so bad...it really hurt a lot. The other day I was talking to José my landlord and he was like, ¨So...there were problems last year with you not cleaning your dishes and not cleaning up your things...there is not going to be more problems like that this year, no?¨ And I was just like...fuck you José. Internally of course. That was SO not what the problem really was about, but that´s what my evil roommates told my landlord. So now my landlord thinks I´m a slob. Which is SO not the case. Anyway, it just hurt my feelings. But I don´t think I´m going to have any problems con mis compañeros de piso this year, thank goodness.

I´ve also seen a few of my old friends again. Andrea a few times, and Feli her Spanish boyfriend too. I´m actually doing a lot better with my Spanish than I thought I would. I remember a lot, and I´m also learning really fast. I start Spanish classes tomorrow, so we´ll see how that goes. I also saw my homie Mark on Friday, and his Spanish girlfriend Ana. I love those guys. We´re probably goign to take a weekend trip to Salamanca one of these days pretty soon. Silvia and I are going to hang out sometime this week I hope, as well as Gonzalo and me. Ah, Gonzalo, mi amor. I wonder how he´s doing. He broke his leg last March, and we never had a proper goodbye. His leg still isn´t totally at 100 percent, so he told me, but soon. I am looking forward to seeing him.

All of this stuff has gotten me thinking though, about luck and chance and things like that. Last year I had no forknowledge of who my roommates were going to be and they turned out to suck. This year I also had no forknowledge either, but they seem pretty cool. What does that mean? So much has to do with luck in our lives, and I really don´t like it. Luck is the same thing as fate you could say...one has a more positive spin than the other one I guess, but they really are the same thing. Fate just implies that our luck is controlled by a higher power.

In a sense we really are controlled by luck. We´re controlled by it because we have no control of it. We make choices that have many possible outcomes but we don´t know what outcome will come to pass until we make a choice, and then it is too late to change it. We make our decisions based on possible outcomes, but what outcome eventually wins out could be totally unexpected.
So in other words, I don´t feel very in control. Or, I do, but at the same time I don´t. Are some people more in control than others? I don´t know. Is control even a good thing, or an important thing to have? Maybe you have to let go of it in order to take risks. Evoluntionarily we strive for control, but perhaps we can´t evolve unless we let it go.

What is a risk anyway? A choice we make where we don´t know the outcome? Well, we never know the outcome, really. Not even after we have made the choice. Because everything that comes to pass after a decision we have made incorporates that decision. Is a risk a choice we make where some of the possible outcomes are good, but there are others equally possible that are bad? Are risk takers adventurous people who live interesting, exciting lives, or are they just foolhardy?

So this year I have been pretty lucky (so far) with my roommates. With work, I don´t know...I´m still looking. I´m here a little bit late; a lot of classes are starting this week so a lot of schools have already hired teachers. I´m sure I´ll find something soon but..I don´t know, I´m worried about it. Our decisions and are lives are so controlled by the almighty buck. I hate it! But I´m in it too, just as much as the next person.

A chance is kind of like an opportunity. All these words have a positive connotation but the outcome could just as easily be bad, don´t you think? We make all these really important decisions without knowing anything about it -- and then we face the consequences for better or for worse. Maybe it´s a blessing that we never have the ability to see what would have happened if we had made a different choice..how much better it could have been, or worse it could have been. I prefer not to know, since there´s nothing we can do to change it.
Besides, what is a mistake? We make mistakes all the time that we wish we could change, but who knows what eventual good that ¨mistake¨ might have led to?

I think people hate the fact that they have no control and that is why they search for a god. The word ¨fate¨ implies an almighty being and the word ¨chance¨ does not, but they really represent the same concept. Me, I just need to come to grips with the fact that there is no god, that there is no one up there leading me in the right direction for my life, and that I´m doing it all myself. And I´m going to make mistakes, and that´s okay. Besides, if you don´t take a chance, you have no chance at all, isn´t that true?

Anyhoo, so these are the things I´ve been thinking about lately. Deep shit, I know. I´m so profound, ha. I have been in a weird mood lately. I mean, yesterday I was watching Major Payne dupped in Spanish and it made me tear up. A Wayans Brothers movie, for goodness sake. There has GOT to be something wrong with me. Heh.

I think the way I feel right now can best be summed up with a few lines from the classic musical, Paint Your Wagon: ¨Where am I going? I don´t know. When will I get there? I ain´t certain. All that I know is I am on my way...¨